Dialogue

DIALOGUE

Writing good dialogue, or if you prefer, great dialogue, talks a feel for dance that happens between the expressions of fiction namely: Narration, Description, Thought, Exposition, and Action. The goal once again in our fiction is to Show, not Tell. The more you can show your readers a thing as opposed to telling them, the more vividly you create that movie in their heads. Every time we do something as writers that jerks a reader, or an editor out of the story, we risk jerking them away from our prose altogether.

What a new writer needs to know about dialogue is how it is constructed, what components are involved, and about the do’s and the do not’s to writing dialogue that carries the story without distracting the reader. An example of this would be just because we can place an adverb with an identifier tag and have it be grammatically correct, does not mean we should.

“Thank you,” she said crossly. Will never replace “Thank you,” she said, crossing her eyes, “It’s…wonderful.”

Constructing Dialogue

RULE OF THUMB#1: Use of quotation marks:

Use quotation marks to indicate words spoken by the characters.

He gets cranky when he doesn’t have his morning coffee. Why should I give a shit? You’re gonna answer the question? He does get cranky. Maybe I will, maybe I won’t, what’s in it for me? How about not losing your good time? You want to stay in prison for the rest of your life? How about not being dead? I’d rather be here then dead. I thought you were some kind of tuff guy. Flip off Screw. Well then, I guess you’re dead already.

TO

“He gets cranky when he doesn’t have his morning coffee.” “Why should I give a shit?” “You’re gonna answer the question?” “He does get cranky.” “Maybe I will maybe I won’t, what’s in it for me?” “How about not losing your good time?” “You want to stay in prison for the rest of your life?” “How about not being dead?” “I’d rather be here then dead.” “I thought you were some kind of tuff guy.” “Flip off Screw.” “Well then I guess you’re dead already.”


RULE OF THUMB#2: When the speaker changes so does the paragraph.

Always start a new paragraph when the speaker changes.

“He gets cranky when he doesn’t have his morning coffee.” “Why should I give a shit?” “You’re gonna answer the question?” “He does get cranky.” “Maybe I will maybe I won’t, what’s in it for me?” “How about not losing your good time?” “You want to stay in prison for the rest of your life?” “How about not being dead?” “I’d rather be here then dead.” “I thought you were some kind of tuff guy.” “Flip off Screw.” “Well then I guess you’re dead already.”

TO

“He gets cranky when he doesn’t have his morning coffee.”
“Why should I give a shit?”
“You’re gonna answer the question?”
“He does get cranky.”
“Maybe I will maybe I won’t, what’s in it for me?”
“How about not losing your good time?”
“You want to stay in prison for the rest of your life?”
“How about not being dead?” “I’d rather be here then dead.”
“I thought you were some kind of tuff guy.”
“Flip off Screw.”
“Well then I guess you’re dead already.”

RULE OF THUMB#3: The reader needs to know who is speaking

Use Identifiers in order to tag your dialogue.

McMurphy said, “He gets cranky when he doesn’t have his morning coffee.”
“Why should I give a shit?” said Shiv.
“You’re gonna answer the question?” said Deputy Jakes.
“He does get cranky,” said Shiv.
“Maybe I will maybe I won’t, what’s in it for me?” said Shiv.
“How about not losing your good time?” said Jakes.
“You want to stay in prison for the rest of your life?” said McMurphy.
“How about not being dead?” said Shiv.
“I’d rather be here then dead,” said Shiv.
“I thought you were some kind of tuff guy,” snarled Jakes.
“Flip off Screw.” Said Shiv.
“Well then I guess you’re dead already.” Jakes said.

While this may be correct grammatically, with the exception of (“Flip off Screw.” Said Shiv.), it is a bit cumbersome and lacks any real substance. There are other problems also with this bit of dialogue, which I will cover later in this article. But for now let us focus on implementing the missing components.

RULE OF THUMB#4 Use narrative sentences to show the character's concurrent acts, thoughts and/or perceptions.

You want the reader to be able to visualize the dynamics of the conversation.

RULE OF THUMB#5 Eliminate identifiers that are not necessary.

RULE OF THUMB#6 Do not use adverbs with or in place of the word “said”.

He said, she said, but not He said crossly, or snarled Jakes.

McMurphy, playing the role of good cop, said, “He gets cranky when he doesn’t have his morning coffee.”
“Why should I give a shit?” said Shiv, hip to their little game.
With hands on the table and leaning in real close, Deputy Jakes reinitiated his interrogation, with a demand, “You are gonna answer the question!”
“He does get cranky,” said Shiv, smirking, an act intended to incite Jakes anger. “Maybe I will maybe I won’t, what’s in it for me?”
Jakes’ hands now balled into fists. “How about not losing your good time?” he asked, gritting his teeth so they squeaked.
Mcmurphy helpless to do much else, tried to reason, “Look you don’t want to stay in prison for the rest of your life do you?”
“How about not being dead?” said Shiv. “I’d rather be here then dead.”
“I thought you were some kind of tuff guy,” snarled Jakes. (Try to snarl this line. You could however say that What Jakes said next sounded more like a snarl than words.)
“Flip off Screw.” (Unnecessary Identifier)
“Well then I guess you’re dead already.” Jakes said, just before he launched across the table grabbing Shiv by his shirt.

This is a little better, but it still lacks flow and edge. Remember that this is dialogue in a story not a movie or television show.

RULE OF THUMB#7 Eliminate unnecessary dialogue and narration to keep the flow dynamics.

McMurphy, playing the role of good cop, said, “He gets cranky when he doesn’t have his morning coffee.”
“Why should I give a shit?” said Shiv, hip to their little game, “Just another dumbshit screw.”
With hands on the table and leaning in real close, Deputy Jakes reinitiated his interrogation, only this time with a difference, “Answer the fuckin’ question!”
“He does get cranky,” said Shiv, smirking, an act intended to incite Jakes anger. “Maybe I will, maybe I won’t, what’s in it for me?”
“How about not losing your good time?”
“How about not being dead? I’d rather rot in here than be dead.”
“I thought you were some kind of tuff guy,”
“Flip off Screw.”
“Well,” McMurphy said, “I guess the man’s dead already.” His voice of reason came too late. Jakes launched across the table grabbing Shiv by his shirt, and proceeded to beat the sarcasm off Shiv’s overconfident mug.

*You’ll notice I added a line also, to create tension. This also brings me to rule #8

RULE OF THUMB#8 Make it real.

The judgment had come down; it was to be a death sentence. Shiv gripped the end of the barred frame to his cell as the airlock released. The door slammed shut smashing his pinky. “Oh buttercup,” he said.

Well, I think you see the problem. And yes, there will be critics that may comment on the use of profanity or prejudice statements made by your characters but how stupid it would sound to have a hardened criminal make a statement like that. Even Jakes when he loses his cool spouts off in an unprofessional manner. I think this ads realism, and makes the story more genuine. Language is of great importance in portraying your character correctly.

RULE OF THUMB#9 Use proper punctuation

Punctuation needs to be invisible, improper punctuation is the worst when you have a tension-building piece of dialogue. Even the exclamation point I use in the dialogue above is more than questionable.

a. Harry said, "Your attention please."

If the sentence begins with a speech tag, the comma goes directly after the last word before the quote, followed by a space, then the quotation marks, then the first word of the quote is capitalized. If the sentence ends with the end of the quote, the period goes right after the last letter of the last word, then the quotation mark, then a space before beginning the next sentence.

b. "Your attention please," said Harry.

If the sentence ends with a speech tag, and the quotation would normally end in a period if it was written by itself, the last word of the quote is followed directly by a comma (instead of the period), then the quotation mark, then a space, then the next word (unless it is a proper noun) begins with a lower-case letter. If the quotation contains more than one sentence, the speech tag CANNOT be placed here. It must be either at the beginning, as in Example 1; at the first punctuation stop, as in Example 4; or eliminated altogether, with the speaker identified by a preceding sentence.)

c. Harry said, "Your attention please,” then sat down.

If the quotation is embedded in the middle of a sentence, where the sentence begins with a speech tag and continues after the quotation, the last word before the quote is followed immediately by a comma, then a space, then the quotation mark, then the capital letter to begin the quote. The last word of the quote is followed immediately by a comma, then the quotation mark, then a space, then the sentence continues with a lower-case word (again, unless the word in question is a proper noun).

d. "Ladies and gentlemen," said Harry, "your attention please."

If the quote begins and ends the sentence, and is broken up somewhere midway by a speech tag, the last word of the initial quote is followed immediately by a comma, then the quotation mark, then a space, then the speech tag begins with a lower-case word (unless it's a proper noun); then when the speech tag ends and the quote resumes, the last word of the tag is followed immediately by a comma, then a space, then the quotation mark, then the quoted sentence resumes and the next word begins in lower-case (unless it's a proper noun).

These rules apply to spoken sentences that would normally end in a period when written by themselves; the period becomes a comma if the sentence continues after the quote. However, if the quoted sentence ends in a question mark (?) or exclamation point (!), and the sentence continues after the quote, the question mark or exclamation point does not change to a comma, the first letter of the first word after the quote is still lower case, and the overall sentence still ends in a period: a) "Where did they go?" she asked. b) "Unbelievable!" shouted the announcer.

RULE OF THUMB#10 Don’t overdo dialect:

Another way to make your dialogue real is by the use of dialect. For this, we use phonetics. DO NOT OVER DO IT!

In the example above, I have used the word “gonna” and eventually replaced it with a more emotionally charged statement. You must listen to how people talk. In my novella Painter’s Green, Terry Painter recollects words from his father. They go like this:

“This here’s a special paint, son,” he had said, “Ma own special mix of blue, yeller and a particular, uh . . .
ingredient grey. Der ain’t no color like it in da whole worl’ an’ one day, Terry ma boy, I’m gonna sell it see? Yeh, we’ll make a fortune. Imagine: houses, cars, boats and fences, all painted with ma own special color. Me Al Painter, see? Yeh.”

“Whatta ya call it Dad?”

“Jus’ like it sais on the can der son, it’s called Painter’s Green, so dey all know where it come from, Al Painter, see? Yeh.”

Here is a story that takes place in the desert in a little town of Brushville, Oregon. Brushville sits in the middle of Christmas Valley and the Oregon desert. These are country folks, contractors, with little education. The dialect tells us that. And though I may have overdone this, I’m going to let the editors decide. I have known someone, my grandfather, who actually spoke like this. He had a third grade education, though he wasn’t stupid. He was self-taught in the fields of construction, diesel mechanics, and farming and everything he put his hands to.

Your character might speak with an accent’a because he is French, or, he might be a man from Mexico city in which case:

Paul could see there was slight irritation in the man’s face, furrow lines stood out like red incisions across his forehead.

“Si?” he said with a grunt.
“Eduardo, I’m Paul Cochrane. Do you speak English?”
“Jes I speaka de engliais, what ees it jou are wanting?” a frown.

Copyright©2009 by Cyrus Wraith Walker